Being a mom is pretty hard! In today’s world we have so many rules to follow but we aren’t talking about how this can affect us as moms…. Or Women. I hope my posts will show the reality of what it can be like to be a mom in today’s world and touch on topics such as mental health, physical health, mom guilt, and overwhelming love. No two people experience things exactly the same, but we all go through similar challenges as moms! Let’s talk about it!!
Mama’s Girl
When M got sick the first time it scared me…a lot. I was so worried that the worst was going to happen, but children are so resilient. Every time she gets sick all she wants is her mama. I love it (ego) but it can also become difficult when all she wants is ME to hold her and care for her, for me to clean her shitty diapers and the puke out of our hair. Today, I started to lose my shit. She was up half the night because she threw up…. again. I had to work and my hubby took time off to be with her while she is sick. I came home and she cried for two hours and it got worse every time I walked away. Eventually, it got to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I started deep breathing and then all of the sudden she started to laugh. So I kept deep breathing and she kept pausing and giving me a smile. I kept deep breathing until I was light headed and she no longer found it funny. It gave me a glimmer of hope…”maybe my child will calm down and maybe I can console her”…NOPE! It’s not going to be that easy this time – she started whining/crying/fussing and I just handed her to my hubby and walked out the front door and took some deep breaths while she was starting to become inconsolable on the other side.
Now, when I became a new mom I would hear all the advice…one of the main themes was to just let her cry it out and sometimes you just have to walk away. While I think that this is not bad advice and advice that works for some at times, for me it would not work in this moment because I kept thinking “she needs her mom to console her.” I have learned to allow someone else to console her, but not in this moment…she wanted her mama.
As I was standing on the other side of the door I made the decision to go for a walk. We bundled her up and put on our jackets and hats and went for a walk and just took in the fresh air. She finally settled down. As I was walking I started to cry out of frustration and guilt. My husband reminded me to just enjoy the moment and to remember that it won’t last. Like all moments with children it doesn’t last, the good, the bad, the pukey and even the shitty! #shittymom #fullofpuke #sick
Workin’ Mom!
My first 6 months at home with M was kind of boring and kind of fun. It was fun to do things with her and get out, but a 0-6 month old doesn’t do too much – at this point a baby has little conversational skills. Don’t get me wrong it was fun to see her do new things, but I was a slave to her naptimes and feedings, so it was hard to get out a lot. I missed working and I knew that I wanted to return to work as opposed to being a stay-at-home mom.
My previous position did not receive the funding it required to continue and therefore I was not able to return to my previous job after my year long maternity leave; I had to find something new! I found two part time positions in my town, both in my field of work (Social Services), and I returned to work doing something I love. This was a time of great transition. I had to start M at a daycare and that meant I had to let go of control for up to 5 hours a day – Believe me, it is a real challenge for me to relinquish control! I also had to learn two new jobs at the same time – Let me just say my anxiety was out of control.
After training at both jobs and starting to work more hours on the weekends, my guilt started to set in. I was asking myself – “Am I a good mom?” “Am I spending enough time with my baby?” “Is M going to forget about me?” I started to become very conflicted. I didn’t want to continue to work and do something I love because I miss my daughter, but I didn’t want to stay home because, for me, I do not find it satisfying. I want to use my skills and I want to build my career. This struggle is very real and I often question my decisions and doubt that I was doing the right thing.
I’ve dealt with this guilt and I will continue to feel it while I’m working, but the thing that helps me most to reduce the guilt is to make this a positive. M is having fun at daycare, interacting with the other children. She is building trust in others and trust in me knowing that I will always return to pick her up at the end of the day. I am able to go out and be a woman, have a break from being a mom, enjoy that time spent without her (even though this enjoyment again causes some guilt).
I feel that “mom guilt” is always going to be present in our lives. As moms we want what is best for our children, but sometimes we have to do what is also best for us. It’s not a bad thing to be a little bit selfish and it’s not a bad thing to want to be something more than a mom. I’ve learned it’s about finding a balance and not being too hard on myself.
No one can tell you…
No one can tell you what you will feel like after you have your baby. 40 weeks of carrying my baby girl and I was in bliss. I was so happy having everything I wanted – I was ready to be a mom. Ready to hold a baby in my arms. When I found out M was a girl I was over the moon…a baby girl is what I dreamed of, what I hoped for and I what I was getting.
I was induced at 40 weeks 2 days due to high blood pressure and there were some tense moments during the birth, but M was born very healthy. I held her in my arms and loved her. I did what the books and research said to do and breast fed as soon as I could after she was born. We were moved into the mom and baby room and she slept beside me as I layed awake and worried. No one can tell you what you what you won’t feel. I was not feeling the magical bond, I was scared because I still had high blood pressure. I dont remember the day we brought her home. It was a blurr. I actually don’t remember a lot of the first few weeks. I was in a fog of visitors and baby blues. I do remember feeling like a failure because my milk never came in and I had to feed my baby formula…oh the guilt!! No one can tell you how hard you will be on yourself. I read too much information about what to do and what not to do. I worried every hour of the day that I was doing things wrong. I called myself a bad mom when I am actually a wonderful mom. The things I felt were comepletely normal, but I didnt feel like myself. It is a huge transition and no one can tell you what you will go through because every person is different. Some people feel the bond immediately. My bond with M came later than I expected…but it’s there and it’s strong. I still feel that mom guilt, but I choose to put it aside and remind myself that I am doing what is right for us. No one can tell you the love you will feel, but sometimes it takes time to feel the full effects.
And that is normal and it’s okay.
#babyblues #postpartumdepression #firsttimemom #momsonstrike #toomuchadvice #momsandmentalhealth #tiredaf #babyrules
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Moms On Strike 